I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
