I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
