I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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