In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
