PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
