Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
