More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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