Moan for me like Helen Keller
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
