My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
