Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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