The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
