Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
