Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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