the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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