he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
