dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
