He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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