I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
