youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
