I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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