She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
