Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
