Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
