Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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