cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
meet me or not, i'm out of control
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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