1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
