i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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