She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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