you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize