I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My ass is underappreciated
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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