I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
