Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
