Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
