I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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