HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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