It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
