I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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