u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Randomize
