The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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