chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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