It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
