I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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