Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
