i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
