You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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