she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
