You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
