So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
