Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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