Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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