I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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