I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
