if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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