was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
