Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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