i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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